Hunkering Down for the Holidays
By: Molly Secours
Tennessee Tribune
Originally posted 11/23/2005
Well, it's that time of year again when everyone seems to be either heading home or 'hunkering down' for the holidays. For many people the holidays are a time for bliss-filled family reunions and for others they are a painful endurance test in which the goal is to get to the end of the year unscathed.
If you are alone and estranged from family that can be a formidable task -- especially if you have a television set. As every other commercial on television will remind you, this is the time of year to shop, spend money and be happy.
And even though we all know that it is foolish and perhaps even dangerous to compare our own families with the Cosby's and the Walton's, many of us do it anyway.
Several years ago, right before the holidays, I got a call. A counselor at a middle school in upstate New York intercepted my 11-year-old nephew's plan of suicide. I was stunned. As a child of a broken home with two parents who barely speak civilly to one another, my young nephew opted for a way out of his lonely pain.
Some 25 years earlier my own family -- including my nephew's father (my brother) had disintegrated under very painful circumstances also. It was Thanksgiving Eve and while waiting for my father to arrive home from work, my mother was in the kitchen stuffing a turkey while the five kids -- myself included -- watched the Walton's preparing for John-Boy's homecoming on the Walton's holiday special.
When my father finally arrived, he was not alone. He was with an intoxicated woman named Polly who stumbled in the front door, fell over the coffee table and introduced herself as the woman who would become 'our new mother'. Hardly Walton's material.
Needless to say, there was much drama that Thanksgiving Eve, including police, ambulance -- and it would be our last holiday as a family.
As a result, all seven family members became strangers over the years living in various cities and countries across the globe. Because of this, my nephew in his time of need had no family ties and no one to reach out to in his desperation.
What is miraculous about all of this is that once word spread about my nephew's despair, one-by-one my family made plans to congregate in a central location at a sibling's house in Washington D.C.
For the first time in 25 years we would spend the holiday together as a family -- including grandchildren, brother-in-laws and my divorced parents.
For three days, 18 relative-strangers lived in a house together and got acquainted. We ate together, played charades, rented a Karaoke machine and made fools of ourselves, singing to the oldies. We laughed together more than I ever remember as a child.
To acknowledge my nephew's cry for help, we created a ceremony in which he and his sister were "baptized" into the family. Every aunt, uncle, cousin and grandparent played a role in the ceremony by committing to be supportive, non-judgmental and compassionate -- something we had never really been to one another.
Since the group was comprised of Catholics, Methodists, Protestants, agnostics and one Buddhist, we avoided a religious ceremony. The ritual we created was about family, forgiveness and commitment. And we all agreed that it was long overdue.
Before that day I had never seen my father cry or heard the "L" word expressed between siblings. And it was the first time I had ever glimpsed the true meaning of Thanksgiving. It was the resurrection of our family, and to me, this was a miracle.
Although I felt light enough to fly myself home to Nashville, I kept my reservations and took a plane with a connection through Cincinnati. As synchronicity would have it, while flipping through a daily paper in the airport I noticed an ad for a movie that had been released called Kingdom Come. As it turns out Kingdom Come is a film based on a stage play called Dearly Departed, a comedy about an estranged family that comes together after a tragedy -- the sudden death of the despised patriarch and each individual's struggles with failure, disappointment and forgiveness.
I am eternally grateful to that guidance counselor in Upstate New York who cared enough about one of my family members to intervene. If not for her I might have attended a funeral instead of a family reunion.
After that Thanksgiving with my family, I remember heading straight to the theater to see the film. Somehow, it comforted me to see how most of us are damaged goods -- but never beyond redemption.
It also reminded me that it is never too late to be a family and taught me to stop comparing my own to some fictional television ideal of what family is.
Every year since, I have looked for something to elevate my mood and renew my spirit during the holiday. Last year, it was Black Nativity, the beautiful musical production by Amun Ra Theater, that got me through. After seeing it three times, I knew I could make it to New Years.
If you have a couple hours free this weekend and want to lift your spirits, invite a family member you haven't spoken to in a while to see a movie or a play. Don't wait until it's too late. I hear they are bringing back Black Nativity again this year, so you'll know where to find me over the holidays.
Molly Secours is a writer/filmmaker/speaker and frequent co-host on "Behind the Headlines" on WFSK 88.1 FM. She can be reached at: mollmaud@comcast.net or www.mollysecours.com
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